Midnight Conversation

My brother and I always enjoy some healthy banter when we're together. Case in point:

Me: You used to be such a sweet kid. What happened?

Bro: I'm still fucking sweet! You take that back, you assface.

END.

A Real Dilemma

Both Boston and New York got hit with snow this Halloween weekend, which made dressing up for the holiday a new dilemma for me and my brother.

Bro: Question. Do you think I could wear pants with my sailor outfit? Because it's snowing and I don't want to be walking through Brooklyn in short shorts.

Me: Sure. You could be like Gene Kelly from On the Town.

Bro: But I don't want to be that kind of sailor. I want to be a prepubescent boy sailor.

Me: Of course you do.

Bro: [trying on the costume as he's talking on the phone] Ugh, the costume really is much cuter without pants.

Me: Don't you have a long coat?

Bro: No.

Me: How about wearing pants to the party and then changing into the shorts in the bathroom?

Bro: That's too much trouble. Argh! My life is so difficult!

Me: [also trying on my costume while talking on the phone] Crap. I forgot how short this Strawberry Shortcake costume is. I'm going to freeze my ass off.

Bro: Fuck it, I'm just going to freeze my ass off.

Me: Snow really makes dressing slutty for Halloween rather difficult.

Bro: I know!

END.

Dad Keeps It Real

My brother, who works as an interior designer and project manager at a design firm, recently got his first set of business cards. To show them off, he sent some copies to mom and dad. This was their conversation.

Dad: This looks good! But how come it doesn't list your title? Is this fake?

Bro: No, dad. It's real.

Dad: How do we know your job isn't just to sweep the floors?

Bro: It's a very small office. No one sweeps the floor.

Dad: Maybe the secretary does.

Bro: The secretary doesn't have business cards.

Glad to know Dad maintains high expectations for us.

K.I.T., Dad!

My dad often sends me and my brother emails that express his observations on politics today. It's kinda cute-- A way for him to do dinner-table talk while my brother and I are across the country. And we'll usually humor our dad by responding in kind, even when we're not in the mood to do so. This was my brother's response to my dad yesterday: