Who's the Pimp?

Once again, I'm spending a large chunk of my summer at Mama and Papa Fung's house. As is the case with too many American families lately, we're struggling with money matters. I'm glad that in spite of all our anxieties over finances, we can still maintain some sense of humor.

Case in point: Over breakfast a couple of days ago, my mom talked about the buzz over the rumors that China's most famous actress, Zhang Ziyi, accepted $1 million to sleep with Bo Xilai, the former Communist Party chairman. This is the conversation that ensued.

Me: One million dollars? Why would she need to do that? She's rich and famous on her own.

Mom: Well, people are saying that she's been having sex for money for a long time. That's how she built her career. 

Me: I don't think that's fair. It's assuming that no rich and famous woman could have made it without whoring herself. Besides, what would she have to gain by sleeping with this guy?

Dad: Well, you never know what the politburo controls. You never know what you have to do to get your movie released. Especially in China.

Me: Is the dude ugly? I mean, if she was gonna sleep with him for money, I hope he isn't ugly. 

Mom: He's not bad, actually.

Dad: And he's very well spoken. 

(pause)

Me: Shit, one million dollars for one night of work? And the dude's not ugly? I might consider doing it!

Dad: Hahaha... Wow, money is on the mind. 

Me: And it might not even be a full night's work! The dude might pass out after three minutes anyway. Give me two shots of tequila, three minutes, and I could pay off this house. 

Mom: Hey, what kind of girl talks like this? And you're a professor?

Me: I'm a professor who'll never have one million dollars!

Dad: Hahahaha! Mom, would you have sex with someone for one million dollars?

Mom: I'd do it for half that. 

Dad: Yeah, me too.

Mom: Who would pay YOU? 

END. 

Batteries

Two weeks after Thanksgiving, and Dad is still obsessed with his remote control helicopter. I chatted with him over the phone about it.

Dad: I've been practicing every day. I'm pretty good at taking off and steering. Now I'm learning how to land the helicopter onto the kitchen table.

Me: I'm surprised you haven't broken the thing yet.

Dad: I thought it was broken, but it wasn't. You know how I have to charge the battery for one hour in order to play for ten minutes? As it turns out, I have to also play with it immediately after charging, otherwise the battery dies again.

Me: I see.

Dad: It's like sex. You have to keep practicing or your batteries die. Very frustrating! Hahahaha!

END.

Things Said At Thanksgiving

I spent Thanksgiving with a bunch of my extended family in Houston. My dad admired my cousin's collection of remote control helicopters, so my cousin bought my dad one on Black Friday. Dad was giddy like a kid.

A bunch of us was sitting around chatting, snacking, and playing video games as my dad learned how to operate his new toy. We noticed that he was only able to play with it for a few minutes before having to recharge the battery.

"It's like sex," he said. "You have to recover for 1 hour for 10 minutes of pleasure."

The only thing creepier than thinking about your parents having sex is thinking about them thinking about you having sex.

Upon learning about a relative's unexpected pregnancy, my brother decided to freak my mom out by telling her that I was pregnant. This is how my mom relayed their conversation to me:

Mom: Your brother wanted to scare me by telling me that you were pregnant.

Me: Did it work?

Mom: No, because it wouldn't be a big deal.

Me: Really? Even though I'm unmarried and in the beginning stages of a very demanding career and can barely afford my own living expenses?

Mom: But you're old. It's about time you had a baby anyway. I could help you take care of it.

Me: Thanks, mom.

Mom: Besides, I knew your brother was lying because you were home all summer, so there was no opportunity for you to get pregnant anyway. Hahaha.

Me: ...

END.