Showing posts with label dissed. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dissed. Show all posts

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Nephews Are The Best

During my past few visits with the family, I spent a lot of time with my cousin's son, my adorably mischievous nephew J, who's now about 20 months old. Maybe because I rough house him and goof off with him with abandon, he's taken quite a liking to me. In Cantonese, my kinship title is 表姨, pronounced like "biú yi," but for some reason the kid likes to say, "bía." In spite of him being perfectly capable of pronouncing it correctly, he still insists on calling me Bia. My stone cold heart melts a little when he exclaims, "Bia!" and runs to hug me. I love having a unique nickname. I hope he keeps calling me Bia even when he's thirty.

Apparently, even though my home is across the country, my nephew will think of me. When he goes to my parents' house, he'll walk into my old bedroom, the one I still sleep in when I visit, and declare, "Bia!" Sometimes he'll poke his mom and say, "Bia," signalling that he wants to Facetime chat, something that we'll occasionally do together. Gah, the kid breaks me.

He also points to pictures of other women and says, "Bia!" as if there's something about them that reminds him of me. Among them include:

Ronnie Spector, which perhaps makes sense, given that when I hang out with him, we always dance together to The Ronettes, which is something that his mom and I used to do when we were little. He'll remark, "Bia!" whenever he hears "Be My Baby" come on anywhere.




Teresa Teng, who is my mom's favorite Taiwanese pop star. My mom plays her music when she looks after him. I don't think I look like Teresa Teng at all, but I sing a lot around the house, so maybe that's the connection.




But apparently the kid has also pointed to a porcelain figurine of some Chinese goddess in his grandmother's house and said, "Bia!," so maybe he has some face recognition issues. Either that, or he thinks I'm pretty, given the flattering comparisons. 

My mom tells me that most recently, he pointed to some fashion models on television and also shouted, "Bia!"

My mom's response: "Your Bia is not that pretty."

Awesome.




Thursday, February 6, 2014

Mama and Papa Fung Offer Their Congrats

I recently got an article published and received some good news about another. As always, I like to share my accomplishments with my proud parents. My dad tells me that he and mom were chatting about my good news when they had my aunt and uncle over for dinner. My aunt marvels, "Wow, I don't know how she writes so much! How does she even think of so many things to write about?" To which Mama Fung echoes:

"I don't know why she has to think so much... like a strange person."

END.

Friday, January 3, 2014

My Parents Hate My Haircut

Over Thanksgiving, I got a rather drastic haircut. I went from the non-descript, medium length, standard woman-in-her-thirties hairdo that I had kept for the last four years to this:


(Needless to say, this is not me. This is singer Kina Grannis.)

And I LOVE my asymmetrical bob. The short length feels liberating. I can just just crawl out of bed, spray some product, and walk out the door. And the edginess reflects my personality better than the borderline soccer-mom thing I had going before.

My parents, however, have yet to get used to this look. They maintain a continuous commentary on it:

When I came home from the salon--
Dad: Did the stylist forget to cut the other side?

While I'm getting ready in the morning--
Mom: This haircut will make your neck hurt because you have to tilt your head to the side all the time. 

After I declared that I was drunk while we were in Mexico--
Dad: Was your stylist drunk too when she cut your hair?

While at immigration line at the San Francisco Airport, upon returning from Mexico.
Dad (gazing at the pretty Air Japan flight attendants): The hairstylists in Japan must be more skilled because all of those women's haircuts are even.

This morning--
Mom: I'm making a hair appointment for Saturday morning.
Dad: Are you taking your daughter with you?
Mom: Her haircuts cost $60. Mine cost $20.
Dad: If we pay another $60 do you think they'll cut the other half?
Mom: No need. I'll just cut her hair in her sleep.
Me (from the hallway): I'M UP! I'M UP! DON'T YOU DARE!


I am THIS close to getting a mohawk just to see what Mama and Papa Fung would say...


Saturday, February 25, 2012

Damn you, Jeremy Lin.

Jeremy Lin is officially plaguing my existence. Here's how:


Me: So dad says that all you guys are talking about now is Jeremy Lin.

Mom: I told him I should have pushed you and your brother harder when you were kids. But your dad says I'm not a tiger mom. I'm just a mouse mom.

Me: I'm glad you're not a tiger mom.

Mom: And then your dad said that I didn't need to be a tiger mom anyway. So I said, "What, you don't think we could have pushed our kids more?" And he said, "No, they turned out good anyway!" Can you believe that? So arrogant.

Me: What are you saying, mom? That you don't think we're successful?

Mom: Eh, you two are average.

Me: Average?? Mom, average people don't get PhDs and become professors. Average people don't, at the age of twenty-three, become interior designers in New York City and support themselves.

Mom: Oh who cares? Plenty of Chinese kids get PhDs. Nothing special. Jeremy Lin is also twenty-three, and now look at how much money he makes.

Me: Mom, if you're going to compare us to Jeremy Lin, you are going to be very disappointed.

Mom: I wish you and your brother were like Jeremy Lin.

Me: ...

Mom: Okay, I have to go now. My Qi Gong class is starting! Bye!

END.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Mom Brags About Me To My Friends

I've been taking Taekwondo classes for the last 10 months, which, given my entire lifetime of being utterly unathletic, is kind of a big deal for me. One would think that my mother, a sturdy woman who has long bugged me about putting down my books and getting more exercise, would greatly encourage my new hobby. The last time she came to visit me, she watched one of my classes. Over a dinner party with a bunch of my new friends, she tells them how impressed she was by my abilities:

Mom: She is so weak! When she kicks and punches, it's like [faking punches in the air] piu! piu! piu!


END.

Friday, October 21, 2011

Food For Self-Esteem

My mom makes the best beef noodle soup I have ever had. I decided to learn how to make it after moving to Boston, when I found that even the best Chinese food only paled in comparison to my mother's cooking. Nothing I ever make is quite as good as hers, but I tell myself it just takes practice. My mom loves that I'm finally taking interest in anything remotely domestic (she fears that my being a "career girl" renders me completely useless in the house), but she still doesn't quite know how to provide encouragement. When I told her I was having some friends over and that I was going to serve them her beef noodle soup, this is the conversation we had:

Mom: What are you doing?

Me: I'm cooking. I'm having some friends over for a dinner party.

Mom: What are you making?

Me: Your beef noodle soup! And scallion pancakes.

Mom: Oh, you know how to make that?

Me: I try! I think I did a pretty good job this time.

Mom: What kinds of friends are these?

Me: All professors like me. From various universities in the area.

Mom: That's nice!...

[pause]

... Are you sure your beef noodle soup is edible?

Me: Yes it's edible! Because I'm clever!

Mom: You're just like your dad. Why do you always talk about how clever you are?

Me: What should I do instead? Talk about how stupid I am?

Mom: You shouldn't talk about yourself at all.

Me: Shit, I have to go. The pancakes are burning.

END.


[Postscript: For the record, my friends found my execution of my mom's beef noodle soup very edible!]

Monday, October 17, 2011

Dad Keeps It Real

My brother, who works as an interior designer and project manager at a design firm, recently got his first set of business cards. To show them off, he sent some copies to mom and dad. This was their conversation.

Dad: This looks good! But how come it doesn't list your title? Is this fake?

Bro: No, dad. It's real.

Dad: How do we know your job isn't just to sweep the floors?

Bro: It's a very small office. No one sweeps the floor.

Dad: Maybe the secretary does.

Bro: The secretary doesn't have business cards.


Glad to know Dad maintains high expectations for us.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

My Mom, the Pep-Talker

Giving my mom an update on how my meeting went:

Mom: So was your meeting good?

Me: Yeah! I learned so much about how the association is run. And I'm meeting a lot of really cool people. Actually, it's kind of weird-- I'm the only assistant professor of the group. Everyone else is tenured and is already well-known in their field. I'm not sure I belong there.

Mom: Then how did you get on the board?

Me: Well, a friend nominated me, and then people actually voted for me, I guess!

Mom: Who voted for you?

Me: I don't know. It's anonymous.

Mom: It's good that people voted for you!

Me: Yeah, it is! I guess people are actually recognizing me somehow.

Mom: Are you sure they didn't make a mistake?

END.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

And yet my mom still tells me she wants grandchildren...

I babysat a colleague's 8-year-old daughter last night. My mom called me on the phone while I was there:

Mom: What are you doing?

Me: Babysitting a friend's kid.

Mom: The kid's not afraid of you?

END.