A Real Dilemma

Both Boston and New York got hit with snow this Halloween weekend, which made dressing up for the holiday a new dilemma for me and my brother.

Bro: Question. Do you think I could wear pants with my sailor outfit? Because it's snowing and I don't want to be walking through Brooklyn in short shorts.

Me: Sure. You could be like Gene Kelly from On the Town.

Bro: But I don't want to be that kind of sailor. I want to be a prepubescent boy sailor.

Me: Of course you do.

Bro: [trying on the costume as he's talking on the phone] Ugh, the costume really is much cuter without pants.

Me: Don't you have a long coat?

Bro: No.

Me: How about wearing pants to the party and then changing into the shorts in the bathroom?

Bro: That's too much trouble. Argh! My life is so difficult!

Me: [also trying on my costume while talking on the phone] Crap. I forgot how short this Strawberry Shortcake costume is. I'm going to freeze my ass off.

Bro: Fuck it, I'm just going to freeze my ass off.

Me: Snow really makes dressing slutty for Halloween rather difficult.

Bro: I know!

END.

Getting Ready for Halloween

One thing I miss about living closer to my mom is being able to enlist her to help me construct my Halloween costume. She always made the best costumes for me when I was a kid, so once I got old enough to make my own, I often asked her for some tips. One of my favorite memories from the last year I was in living in California (as in, when I was 29 years old) involved my mom driving me across town to Walmart (yes, evil, I know) to search for a hot pink jumpsuit for my Care Bear costume. (I was Love-A-Lot Bear. I offered to make my mom a Grumpy Bear costume, but she declined.)

It gets tricky, though, when my costume ideas get a little bit slutty. My mom's rather prudish, so I tend to shield her from parts of my life that would only upset her. So here was how I ended up asking for her help the last time I was home searching for gear.

Me: Mom?

Mom [looking up from her newspaper]: Hmm?

Me: Do you have any white socks that go up to here [points to knees]?

Mom: I don't think so. Maybe. Did you look in my sock drawer?

Me: Yeah, but I couldn't find any knee socks.

Mom: I could dig up one of your old Sacred Heart uniforms.

Me: Yeah! That's perfect! No, wait! I was six years old when I went to Sacred Heart! I can't fit into those anymore!

Mom: It's fine! You haven't gotten any taller since then anyway.

Me: HEY!

Mom: What do you need socks like that for?

Me: I want to be a Catholic schoolgirl.

Mom: Why?

Me: ... Um, no reason...

Mom: [looks at me suspiciously]

Me: It's for a costume party.

Mom: For Halloween?

Me: No, not for Halloween. Just a costume party. It doesn't have to be Halloween for there to be a costume party!

Mom: Will you stop [Cantonese phrase which I don't know how to translate, which sounds like "gao gao zung," which I think means something like, "bothering with nonsense."]?? You have a paper to write! Get back to work!

Me: I need a skirt, too, if you can find one.

Mom: Stop bothering me! I'm trying to find my coupons.

END.