Teaching Advice from Dad

At every end of term, my dad urges me to be easy on my students while I'm figuring out their final grades. Here's why:

Dad: How are your students' papers?

Me: In any pile, aside from the two that are excellent and two that are disastrous, they're generally mediocre-to-bad.

Dad: Do you ever give your students Fs?

Me: Only if they don't turn in the work. So long as they do the work, even if it's awful, they will pass the class.

Dad: For the bad students, don't give them Ds or Fs, okay? A C is a good enough warning.

Me: Dad, that's grade inflation. C is supposed to be average. But yeah, that's usually what ends up happening anyway. I stick in so many easy assignments, the average usually ends up being a B, sadly.

Dad: Good. Because when I was at the University of Chicago, one of my classmates got so mad at his professor for not passing him on his thesis, that he shot and killed the guy and then shot himself.

Me: ... Uh...

Dad: So don't be too harsh on your students. They might kill you.

END.

Batteries

Two weeks after Thanksgiving, and Dad is still obsessed with his remote control helicopter. I chatted with him over the phone about it.

Dad: I've been practicing every day. I'm pretty good at taking off and steering. Now I'm learning how to land the helicopter onto the kitchen table.

Me: I'm surprised you haven't broken the thing yet.

Dad: I thought it was broken, but it wasn't. You know how I have to charge the battery for one hour in order to play for ten minutes? As it turns out, I have to also play with it immediately after charging, otherwise the battery dies again.

Me: I see.

Dad: It's like sex. You have to keep practicing or your batteries die. Very frustrating! Hahahaha!

END.

Mom Brags About Me To My Friends

I've been taking Taekwondo classes for the last 10 months, which, given my entire lifetime of being utterly unathletic, is kind of a big deal for me. One would think that my mother, a sturdy woman who has long bugged me about putting down my books and getting more exercise, would greatly encourage my new hobby. The last time she came to visit me, she watched one of my classes. Over a dinner party with a bunch of my new friends, she tells them how impressed she was by my abilities:

Mom: She is so weak! When she kicks and punches, it's like [faking punches in the air] piu! piu! piu!

END.

Things Said At Thanksgiving

I spent Thanksgiving with a bunch of my extended family in Houston. My dad admired my cousin's collection of remote control helicopters, so my cousin bought my dad one on Black Friday. Dad was giddy like a kid.

A bunch of us was sitting around chatting, snacking, and playing video games as my dad learned how to operate his new toy. We noticed that he was only able to play with it for a few minutes before having to recharge the battery.

"It's like sex," he said. "You have to recover for 1 hour for 10 minutes of pleasure."

Dad Puts It Simply

Shit's been hitting the fan at UC Davis, and I've been following the coverage pretty obsessively. In the last of the eight years I spent there getting my PhD, I got heavily involved in the student protests against tuition increases. My dad has always been supportive of my rabble-rousing spirit. Here is an email he sent to me yesterday about the most recent incident of police brutality:

I've seen the stupid cop spraying pepper over the sitting students on TV. It also created an uproar here. Two cops were put on Admin. leave. I think they should be fired!

The silent protest is powerful as orchestrated by Gandhi and King before. I think the students know how to use the power of shame now.

The Chancellor looks stupid too. I wonder how she got this job.

Dad

Genetic Psychoses

My mom says that my dad doesn't understand her, but I think he understands her better than she thinks. Here is an email that dad sent to me and my brother yesterday:

Hi kids,

Mom got depressed these few days because her political party in Taiwan splits into two candidates for the upcoming December election. The result is that the opposition party may win as it happened eight years ago. The same stupid candidate split out from the party. He never learned the lesson. Mom keeps hoping that it wont happen.

Mom's depression is usually seen in her vaccuming the floor randomly. She also washed the dishes randomly that I found food stuck to the chopsticks and pans and pots.

While the Fungs are crazy, the Jairs are depressed for lack of control over everything. I just hope you don't inherit all the negatives. But the Jairs are easy to butter up. I suggest you guys talk to mom during this weekend. She will feel better after talking to you.

Dad

The only thing creepier than thinking about your parents having sex is thinking about them thinking about you having sex.

Upon learning about a relative's unexpected pregnancy, my brother decided to freak my mom out by telling her that I was pregnant. This is how my mom relayed their conversation to me:

Mom: Your brother wanted to scare me by telling me that you were pregnant.

Me: Did it work?

Mom: No, because it wouldn't be a big deal.

Me: Really? Even though I'm unmarried and in the beginning stages of a very demanding career and can barely afford my own living expenses?

Mom: But you're old. It's about time you had a baby anyway. I could help you take care of it.

Me: Thanks, mom.

Mom: Besides, I knew your brother was lying because you were home all summer, so there was no opportunity for you to get pregnant anyway. Hahaha.

Me: ...

END.